How to Say “No” Without Being the Bad Guy: Navigating Social Media Rules With Your Daughter
I was sent in this great question from an attendee on my recent Behind the Selfie: Girls, Social Media, and Self-Esteem Struggles Power Hour Webinar It’s such a common and totally understandable feeling — no one wants to be the “fun sponge” parent, especially when it’s something their child loves, and all their friends are doing. But setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re the bad guy — it means you care. Here’s a way to reframe and respond: How to not be seen as the “bad guy” — and what to say: 1. Acknowledge her feelings first Start with empathy. Let her know you see her. Try saying: “I can see how much you love this, and I get that it feels unfair when your friends are allowed and you’re not.” This validates her without giving in. 2. Be open and honest about your reasoning Kids don’t need every detail, but they do appreciate being in the loop. Try: “My job is to look out for you, even when it’s hard. I’m not trying to stop you from having fun — I’m trying to make sure you’re safe and happy in the long run.” You can even admit it’s not always easy: “Honestly, I don’t like saying no to you. I know it’s tough.” 3. Shift from “no” to “not yet” or “let’s find a way together” It feels less like a brick wall and more like a conversation. Try: “I’m not saying never — just not right now. Let’s talk about what needs to be in place for me to feel more confident about it.” This could include things like maturity, safety settings, screen time limits, or emotional readiness. 4. Offer alternatives that still meet her need If she’s craving connection, creativity, or status — find other ways to support that. Example: “You love creating videos — maybe we could do something together with that offline or with a smaller group of friends in a safer space.” 5. Make it about values, not control Frame your parenting around values like confidence, self-respect, safety, and balance. Say: “I’m trying to help you become someone who’s strong, thoughtful, and true to herself — not just someone who follows the crowd.” 6. Play the long game They may roll their eyes now, but down the line, many kids say they respected the boundaries — especially when parents kept communication open and respectful. How to Say No Without Being the Villain For those moments when you’re setting a boundary, -and it feels like you’re crushing their world SCRIPTS 👂 Step 1: Acknowledge Their Feelings “I can tell this really matters to you. I know how much you enjoy it, and I get that it feels unfair when your friends are allowed and you’re not.” 🧠 Why? Validates their feelings, which builds trust and keeps the door open for conversation. 💬 Step 2: Be Honest About Your Reasoning “My job is to keep you safe and help you grow into someone confident and happy — even if that means making hard calls.” “I’m not saying no to hurt you. I’m doing it because I care more about you than what’s easy.” 🧠 Why? Kids are more likely to accept limits if they understand the “why.” 🕒 Step 3: Reframe It as “Not Yet” or “Let’s Explore Together” “I’m not saying never — just not yet. Let’s keep talking about this and work out what would help us both feel more comfortable.” “Maybe we can revisit this in a few months and see how things are going.” 🧠 Why? “Not yet” feels fairer and more hopeful than “no.” 🧩 Step 4: Offer an Alternative That Meets the Same Need If she’s drawn to connection → “What about inviting a few friends round instead this weekend? You could have a mini screen-free hangout or movie night.” If she’s feeling left out → “Let’s come up with something you can do that feels special and fun, just for you.” 🧠 Why? It shows you’re not trying to take away joy, just guiding it safely. 💖 Step 5: End With a Value-Based Statement “Our family values kindness, courage, and balance. I want you to grow up trusting your gut — not just going along with what everyone else is doing.” “Sometimes, saying no is part of helping you become the amazing person you’re meant to be.” 🧠 Why? Kids need to know there’s a bigger picture — and that they’re part of it.
From Toddlers to Teens: How to Say No to Smartphones with Confidence
Saying “NO” to your kids with confidence ! Saying “No” to your kids is such a simple word but so many parents find it difficult to incorporate it into their discipline strategies – it’s about feeling confident in your own ability as a parent so then the ability to say “no” becomes a powerful behaviour shaping tool in your parenting toolkit! Parents often find it hard to say “No” to their kids and there are many reasons for this. One of the reasons is shortage of time. We all seem to be in such a hurry these days. It’s so much easier to give in and buy whatever it is your child wants, rather than to spend time explaining why you won’t buy it or spend time dealing with their sulks when they don’t get it. But is that the message you want your child to grow up expecting? Another reason is being afraid of causing a scene. I know it’s easier, to wander around the supermarket with a happy and quiet child who is tucking into their sweets or crisps, rather than dragging a screaming child round while you attempt to do your shopping! But personally I think you can make looking for Postman Pat spaghetti hoops quite exciting, and getting your child involved in helping you look for the butter or helping you to weigh the grapes can be good practical experience and fun! It’s how you approach it. Try making the whole experience a game and see how creative you can be – get your child to join in not whine – get them engaged. Another reason is all the resources available to us nowadays .When your child asks for a treat you may think “Well it’s only 80p so it won’t break the bank” and I know we do seem to have more disposable cash splashing about today than perhaps when we were growing up, and many parents don’t think twice about spending it all on their children, but is that a good message to be sending out to your children? You can have anything you want? My job is not to judge what you do but to get you be clear about what you want and how you want to bring up your children. Perhaps the approach of giving in to everything is easier in the short term but is it easier in the long term? Is it creating a child who will have totally unrealistic expectations of you and the world – and will they will expect to get everything they want. Is that realistic or desirable? Is it creating a Paris Hilton? You can be sure that their requests will get bigger and more expensive as they become aware of all the goodies out there. It’s sweets today, Nike trainers and Gucci purses next!! Tell me about it …. I’ve had a 15 year old daughter!!!! While you may enjoy indulging your child’s wishes, the world just isn’t like that and your child may be in for a rude awakening when they encounter the many situations in the real world where they actually can’t have what they want. I think it helps if you think of it as your job to preparing them for life with its ups and downs and disappointments. I just wonder if another message you are sending out is that “It really doesn’t matter how you treat your things – you can always get more” Children who constantly get new toys and treats too easily learn not to value their things, because they know that they will always be replaced. They lose their sense of awe and wonder for new things if they are continually showered with gifts. It all comes too easily. So their expectations become inflated and they have no sense of gratitude or value for any of the gifts or treats they receive. I remember my own Mum getting cross with my kids at Christmas a few years ago, as they were so overwhelmed by the amount of presents they received from both sets of Grandparents that they became nonchalant and blasé and she felt they didn’t appreciate what they had and just ripped the paper off, moving too quickly onto the next present. Perhaps the message your child receives is “I can’t give you much time but I can give you lots of ‘things” If this is the message your child is receiving don’t be surprised if they don’t place any value on these things or show any gratitude at getting all this stuff. ‘Things’ just cannot replace your time. If children do not get the attention and input from you, among other things, they do not develop a sense of their worth. They may feel they are not worth spending time with. So you might be showering your child with gifts, but actually their self esteem might be diminishing as their stack of toys and “stuff” piles up. Now there’s a thought!!! Let’s look at treats and the message we sometimes send out with those…. “If you get upset, don’t worry we’ll get you a little treat” The child who always receives a treat when they start to cry and shout or get hurt is learning a dangerous lesson. Other children and the outside world will not be as generous as you. So just ask yourself…. How will my child cope as an adult in a world where they most definitely won’t always get their way? It’s all a balance between “yes” and “no,” and it takes practise if you are new to saying “No” and taking a harder line. So start practising saying “no” to requests for things like sweets, toys and treats from time to time so you keep them for special occasions when your child will value them much more. Initially it may be difficult as your toddler or teen may have trouble believing that you really mean” no,” because in the past this wasn’t the case. They will probably throw
Is It Time to Ditch ‘Screentime’ and to Focus on What Really Matters ?
Image from FreePik For years, “screen time” has been the go-to measure of how much tech exposure is considered “too much.” Parents, educators, and researchers have relied on this idea to define and regulate children’s interactions with screens. But as technology becomes more embedded in every aspect of life, it’s clear this one-size-fits-all approach is outdated and too simplistic to capture the nuances of our digital lives. Here’s why it’s time to shift away from “screen time” and adopt a more comprehensive view of technology use, one that accounts for quality, intent, and impact. 1. Not All Screen Time is Created Equal When we label all tech use as “screen time,” we erase the vast differences in how people, young people and children interact with devices. For example, a child watching an educational documentary and a child scrolling aimlessly through social media may both be “using a screen,” but the experiences couldn’t be more different. Rather than focusing solely on time, we should consider the quality and purpose of the activity. A teenager attending a virtual coding workshop versus gaming for hours on end. A younger child video calling with family versus watching YouTube videos alone. A student researching for a school project versus binge watching ‘Married at First Sight’ A tween creating digital art versus endlessly scrolling through memes. A family using a fitness app together to exercise versus individually watching videos alone in a bedroom. So, maybe it’s time to ask ourselves better questions: Is the time spent on a screen Educational? Social? Creative? Proactive or Passive? This allows for a more balanced and intentional approach to technology, recognising that not all screen-based activities are harmful or unproductive. 2. It’s Not About Screens—It’s About Engagement The term “screen time” can evoke images of passive, zombie-like staring at a screen, but much of today’s tech use is far from passive. Many kids (and adults) use screens for interactive and social experiences, from video calls with friends to collaborative projects online. Focusing on engagement rather than time helps us see screens as tools for learning, connecting, and creating. When tech is used to engage with the world and with others, it can be a source of growth and connection rather than something that detracts from real life. 3. Encourages a More Nuanced Approach to Parental Guidance Relying on “screen time” as a blanket measure can make parents feel like gatekeepers, counting minutes and hours without necessarily engaging in meaningful dialogue with their children. A broader perspective on tech use allows parents to guide children in exploring tech with intention and responsibility. Conversations shift from “How much?” to “How and why?”—and this helps kids build digital literacy, an essential skill in today’s world. For instance, parents can foster critical thinking around tech by discussing privacy, cyberbullying, online empathy, and balance. By emphasising thoughtful use over restrictions, we prepare kids to make informed choices and develop healthy habits that go beyond the parent-controlled structure of “screen time.” 4. Reflects the Growing Role of Technology in Education and Social Development As digital education tools become more widespread, screens are essential for learning and development. Schools use devices for research, collaboration, and project-based learning, making “screen time” an obsolete framework for judging educational use. Technology also plays a growing role in children’s social lives; for many, social interaction now extends seamlessly from face-to-face to online spaces. In this context, social apps aren’t just “screen time” but platforms where kids socialise, create, and express themselves. 5. Supports Digital Well-being by Focusing on Balance and Boundaries Shifting from “screen time” to a more holistic view allows families to establish boundaries based on digital well-being rather than arbitrary time limits. Digital well-being emphasises creating boundaries that prevent tech from encroaching on essential activities like sleep, physical activity, and face-to-face time with family and friends. Balance allows us to enjoy the benefits of technology without it taking over other aspects of life. This approach also means teaching children to recognise when tech use is affecting their mood, energy, or focus. Self-awareness and self-regulation are key here: kids learn to notice when they’re tired or overwhelmed and need a break, helping them develop habits that support long-term well-being. 6. Aligns with Today’s Reality: Screens Aren’t Going Away In a world where screens are everywhere—from workplaces and schools to entertainment and social life—limiting screen use alone is not practical or sustainable. What we need is a focus on meaningful, purposeful interactions with technology that fit naturally within a balanced life. Screens are here to stay, and teaching children to navigate this reality wisely is a much more effective strategy than merely regulating time. Moving Forward: A New Framework for Technology Use Outgrowing the “screen time” mentality requires a shift in how we discuss, manage, and engage with technology as a whole. Here’s a simple framework to help families and individuals foster a healthier relationship with tech: By letting go of rigid screen time limits and adopting a more intentional framework, we empower ourselves—and our children—to develop a healthier, more balanced relationship with technology. In the end, the goal isn’t to eliminate screens; it’s to use them in ways that enrich our lives and align with our values. Is my child using tech to learn, create, or connect meaningfully, or mainly to pass the time? Am I setting a good example with my own screen habits? How does screen time affect my child’s mood, sleep, and energy? Are we balancing screen time with other important activities like family time, outdoor play, and exercise? Does my child know how to take breaks from screens and manage tech boundaries? Are we discussing what they’re doing online, or just limiting time? Am I encouraging a mix of online and offline hobbies and interests? Do I know what types of content my child is consuming and why they enjoy it? Have we created tech-free zones or times as a family? Does our approach to screen use help my child develop healthy digital habits?
